Does it have to suck?

Written By Michael Sonn

“”I’m thinking of Steve Porges, who would say, nobody comes out of immobility gently, and we all come out of emotional immobility with our reactive emotion.”

-Kathryn Rheem

Something you might not know about me? I’ve done two apprenticeships with Doctors of Chinese Medicine. You may be asking, so what? As I’ve been thinking about the role of distress tolerance in healing in general and couples in particular, I think of one of my teachers who told me that herbal formulas taste so bad because the medicine contains all the flavors we’ve been avoiding. We often avoid facing difficult emotions, just as we might avoid an unpleasant-tasting medicine.

The hard work of healing—whether individually or within a relationship— often means confronting uncomfortable states. Distress tolerance refers to our ability to sit with difficult feelings, to face what we'd rather push away. This might include bitterness, anger, disappointment, or any range of intense emotions.

In Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), we help couples identify the cycles of conflict and distress that keep them stuck. Learning to tolerate those intensely difficult emotions, rather than reacting from a place of hurt, is a vital step in the healing process. It might feel daunting at first, like a threshold you must cross.

What Happens When We Lack Distress Tolerance?

“Life is uncomfortable, and if we don’t learn to tolerate our own discomfort, there’s going to be a lot of problems.”

-Kathryn Rheem

Without the skill of distress tolerance, we instinctively try to protect ourselves from difficult emotions. Here's what that might look like:

  • Avoidance: We distract ourselves, turn to substances, or simply try to numb the pain.

  • Reactivity: We lash out in anger or shut down emotionally. We might blame our partner for the way we feel.

  • Internalization: We turn the difficult feelings inward, leading to self-criticism, anxiety, or depression.

Protection at a Cost

While these strategies offer short-term relief, they come with long-term consequences for relationships:

  • Disconnection: Avoidance leads to a lack of emotional intimacy and a sense of distance.

  • Escalation of Conflict: Reactivity fuels negative cycles, making it harder to resolve issues calmly.

  • Erosion of Trust: Internalization can lead to resentment, making it hard to believe our partner has our best interests at heart.

How We Build Tolerance

Working with distress tolerance isn’t about powering through emotional pain. It’s a skill, developed through careful practice. In EFT, we might:

  • Notice the sensations: Where does the distress live in your body? Is it a tightness in your chest, a heaviness in your stomach? Gently acknowledge it, almost like befriending a difficult emotion.

  • Shift the story: We all have narratives and rigid stories around our emotions. Can you move from “I’m too angry, this will never work” to “I’m feeling intense anger right now, it’s uncomfortable, but I can manage it”? Can you reframe the situation from being an attack from enemy to a difficult experience with your partner who loves you? Can you team up with your partner again an externalized negative cycle?

  • Co-regulation: Couples can powerfully support each other in building distress tolerance. Simple acts of soothing touch, holding space for your partner's emotions, and validating their experience can help calm the nervous system and make the distress feel less overwhelming.

The Journey of Rebuilding

When both partners work on distress tolerance, the dynamic shifts. There’s room to hear, rigidity begins to become flexible, we can see one another not as threats but as partners in a shared struggle. This ability to tolerate discomfort is associated with stronger bonds and is linked to better conflict management, reduced negativity, and higher overall relationship satisfaction  [1,2].

The reward of facing difficulties together is found on the other side. There, you may discover clarity, greater vulnerability, and a connection that feels more solid because it has weathered storms.  This is the essence of healing and a testament to the transformative power of distress tolerance.

References

Michael Sonn
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