If you’d be different, we’d be happy: On Change vs Connection
“The real difficulty is to overcome how you think about your relationship, to accept each other with love and kindness, and to change not because you have to, but because you want to." - M. Scott Peck
Every day I work with couples I hear a common plea, change my partner. While understandable, this urge often masks a more profound longing – a yearning for connection and acceptance. The true challenge, however, doesn't lie in the act of change itself, but in understanding and nurturing the bonds that truly unite us.
Couples often enter therapy believing their partner's behavior is the obstacle to happiness. They think, "If only they would change this one thing, everything would fall into place." While this perspective is natural, it overlooks the intricate tapestry of human relationships and the fundamental needs woven into them.
When the pursuit of change sends a message of non-acceptance, it does more than just hinder the desired behavioral adjustments; it strikes at the heart of one's sense of self-worth and belonging within the relationship. This cycle of action and reaction creates barriers to genuine connection, as both partners become ensnared in a dance of demand and defense, losing sight of the mutual desire for closeness and connection.
As Katherine Rheem aptly observed, "behaviors don't scratch the attachment itch." This "itch" represents our deep-seated desire for connection with those we love and cherish. Yet, expressing this need effectively can be challenging. John Gottman calls reaching out for emotional connection "making a bid for connection." However, when these bids are unclear or muddled, they leave little room for our partners to respond in kind, fostering cycles of miscommunication and dissatisfaction.
This misalignment often leads couples to focus on changing behaviors rather than addressing the underlying emotional disconnect. While this strategy might temporarily alleviate the discomfort of feeling unseen or unloved, it ultimately diverts attention from the core issue: the craving for emotional closeness and understanding.
Consider the common household chore dispute. On the surface, it may seem about cleanliness or responsibility. But delve deeper, and you'll find a plea for recognition, a silent cry for one partner to feel heard and valued by the other. The act of cleaning, then, becomes symbolic of care and attentiveness, not just the task itself.
The true challenge for couples isn't about negotiating who does what around the house, but about cultivating a relationship where both partners feel secure, valued, and deeply connected. When emotional connection forms the foundation, issues like chores or finances often resolve themselves naturally. It's this connection that inspires positive change, not the other way around.
Ultimately, the key to a fulfilling relationship lies not in changing your partner, but in fostering an environment where both individuals can express their vulnerabilities and needs authentically. It's about seeing beyond surface-level frustrations to the heartfelt desires for closeness and understanding. When partners learn to interpret each other's actions as bids for connection rather than criticisms or failures, they unlock the door to deeper intimacy and mutual respect.
The journey towards a more connected and satisfying relationship begins with recognizing that our partners aren't projects to be fixed, but human beings yearning for love and acceptance. By prioritizing connection over change, couples can cultivate a bond that is both resilient and deeply fulfilling.
Remember, you can't force a flower to bloom; you can only create the conditions for it to flourish. By focusing on nurturing the soil of your relationship – genuine connection, empathy, and understanding – you'll witness the beautiful blossom of positive change, naturally unfolding from within.
Check out John Gottman and Nan Silver’s book The Seven Principals for Making Marriage Work.
The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck
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These posts are not intended to be a replacement for therapy.